Well, it's official. I...am...30. Now, some might wonder why it's taken me so long to post a blog commemorating this wonderful endevour into my fourth decade but- I have been very busy. After all, it is NOT easy locating gray strands in a blonde haystack and after spending the entire first half of my 30th birthday searching for those overnight-"scalp-invaders", I eventually gave up and retreated to the next unavoidable task- my Last Will and Testament. This was quite time consuming as well... I mean, just how does one decide quickly what family members should inherit the toenail clippers, or the polka-dotted-rooster-paper-weight-thingy? AND, to whom would I leave the last half of my Aveeno Positively Radiant Moisturizing Cream? A few days prior, these decisions might not have taken so much time but, please understand, I am 30 now...my brain is just not functioning at 100% capacity anymore.
Okay, okay, I am KIDDING of course! In fact, I celebrated part of my 30th birthday at Chuckie Cheese!! (No really, i did...and it was AWESOME) Breaking it off with Twenty-Something was one of the best things I could've ever done. We were just going nowhere and it felt too much like a one-sided relationship; always draining me of my emotions and holding me back from living life. It was time to move on, and at 6:05pm on January 28th(and after leaving Twenty-Something an- "It's not You, its Me"- message), I put on my best dress and met Thirty for our very first date..
Thirty felt wonderful...There were no instantaneous gray hairs and and my Aveeno kept it's seat in my medicine cabinet without worry of being replaced by some miracle potion promising to rid me of my overnight crows feet. No, Thirty and I proudly celebrated January 28th with a steak dinner and the company of family. That day will be unforgettable; not just because my wrap-around dress decided to unwrap itself in the middle of Flemings, but also because my days of reawakening started and ended around the poeple who are closest to me.
So, I am officialy back at the starting line, writing again and re-spinning my web from the inside out. BUT, just before the shotgun fires, there's still two things left to do before my adventure can truly begin. If you're like me, you might find that the answers to some of life's greatest questions can be found on aisle 7 at the Supermarket. Aisle 7 and I share an eventful history together. About 9 months ago, I dared to walk into HEB after retiring my yoga shoes for a pair of 3 inch heels that I hadnt quite learned to walk in. From across the aisle I recognized one of my new friends, whom I had just met at my equally new apartment complex. As I lifted my arm to give a gigantic wave my heels slipped out from under me and I landed flat on my back, ironically, next to the pancake mix. Fast forward 8 months, you'd find me again, Aisle 7, this time at the local Randalls gazing at what seemed like The Great Wall of Shampoo. As fate would have it, I ran into an old aquaintance, a beautiful woman my age, who was now 4 years into the success of her own business. The last time we'd talked was at a Chamber event where we discussed over cocktails how great it felt to have our own businesses, and here she was, 3 yrs later, obviously coming to say hello.
We engaged in the usual small talk and I am happy to report that I managed to stay upright and on my own two feet. There was no crash landing to the concrete floor but my stomach took a sharp blow as she asked me the inevitable question: "How is life treating you these days?" As the words left her lips, I nervously straightened my jacket, tugged at my earlobe and with a created smile simply replied, "Everything is wonderful." That was untrue, of course, but I find myself wondering why I felt the need to lie about my success to someone I barely even know. Why should i have cared so much about what she thought of me? She doesn't know my favorite movie, how I take my tea, or how I cry everytime I see the Humane Society commercials. As a matter of fact, that night on Aisle 7, I was no better then the hundreds of shampoo bottles relying on perfect packaging to determine their value. Think about it...Every bottle on the shelf measuring it's own worth by how attractive it's container and by the list of perfections they display for all to see.....yet, the important information, what's actually inside, remains hidden on the back in fine print.
It suddenly hit me that I've spent the majority of my life worrying more about how I am viewed and less about who I actually am. I have to admit, it's a little heart-breaking to realize that if I'd paid more attention to my own ingredients I might have baked a better cake. I would have done better in college, possibly chosen a different career and I definitely would have married a different man. The fact is, I made some of the most important descisions of my life before I ever took the time to read the words tattooed on my heart. Imagine for a moment we lived in a world where we all wore our ingredients on the front of our shirts. Instead of deciding one's worth by the style of her hair, the color of her skin or the price of her shoes we would rather pay attention to the contents written on her plain, white, t-shirt. Our own self-worth would be lifted, relationships connected at the souls and boundary lines erased. It's a powerful thought and I've never felt so eager to bare my soul and run streaking thru the rest of my years. It might have taken some time, a blog, a spider, and an aisle in the grocery store to get me here, but I can finally say this with pride..
I....am....30, and naked is EXACTLY what I want be.
TO-DO list #3 - Spend some time searching for all of my ingredients. Write them down, learn to be proud of them, and start living as if they were written on the front of my shirt.
I challenge all who read this to do the same.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Wow. What a week this has been! I read somewhere that by writing things down, our brains automatically begin to process how to put our thoughts into action. Writing my first blog and reading your words of inspiration have set me on a new path and Im begininng to see everything in a new light.
For example, this morning, as I was taking out the garbage, I noticed an enormous spider web that seemed to float in the empty space between my garage and my neighbor's. I saw this web a month ago, it's delicate, transparent fibers woven so neatly and with such precision that it formed a perfect circle atleast three feet in diameter. And now, it appears again with its tiny little artist sitting proudly in the middle of her masterpiece. She must have worked all night, perhaps harder than before, hoping that this time her web will withstand the next sudden gust of wind. As I stood there, it occured to me that this arachnid and I have a lot in common. In fact, all women might share common threads with the lives of spiders. Could it be? Are we all Spiders?
Take into account the many varieties of our 8-legged friends....There are House Spiders who scurry about, too busy to stop moving. -Web Spinners who spend so much time working on their web that they are rarely seen away from it. We see them in every color, size, shape and even a few wearing a wild combination of yellow and blue, yet seem to pull it off in public. There are those who mate for life, a few who would like to eat their male counterpart and lets not forget...The Black Widow-beautiful but full of poison and will bite you when you're not looking. However, aside from all their differences, every spider knows what it feels like to be stepped on, brushed aside, and Im sure they all think their butt is too big for their body.
Back in 2002, if one took a drive down Research Forest (then took a right on Gosling), they might find a spider wearing yoga pants and a pony tail determined to spin her web into the Taj Mahal. I was 22 years old, independent, driven and starting my own business. I dreamt of walking into a car dealership on my 30th birthday and proudly driving away in a black, Porsche 911 Twin Turbo (with cup holders). Now, let me set it straight-A Porsche is NOT worth the sacrifice of family, friends and social life, however, the ability to make that purchase by the age of 30 was. I wanted financial freedom; the freedom that could take me everywhere I wanted to go and I was willing to put in the hours and hard work for it. And... that's exactly what I did. I worked from 4:30 in the morning until 9:30 at night. The extent of my personal relationships never drifted far from an occasional movie with my husband or a walk with my great dane. I didnt have a favorite pair of jeans, a hobby I loved pursuing, or even a haircut. I gained 80 pounds over the next 6 years and just as the light at the end of this tunnel started to peak over the horizon, Im squashed by the foot of divorce; a running shoe, size 12.
Now, one might expect this gut-spilling blow-to-the-thorax to defeat me-but it didnt. In fact, I have always had the strength to rebuild, even after sudden gusts of wind blew holes in my tightly woven plan. In 2008, after putting the divorce behind me, I moved into a beautiful apartment on the waterway with Maximus at my side. All of my hard work was finally paying off and the success couldn't taste sweeter. I made new friends, bought new clothes, and even found a new hobby-Spin class. The financial freedom offered me more than I'd ever imagined but, most importantly, it gave me the chance to be ME again and for the next 4 months I was the happiest I had ever been.
Every delicate thread turned to steel and the very thought of anything being strong enough to blow it down seemed an impossibility. Then, in September, Hurricane Ike hit and brought along with it, a series of events that would prove me wrong. The Hurricane shut down The Woodlands for 2 weeks and some of my clients were forced to leave town. Being self-employed, my income for that month took a major blow. 2 weeks later, my beloved Maximus fell ill and after $6000 worth of treatment I woke one morning just in time to hold his head in my lap as he slipped away. I mourned the loss of my best friend for another two weeks and my life continued to spiral downward as only half of my clients returned to my schedule. The next months brought more surprises; identity theft, recession, a major doctor bill-each blow swiftly tearing down a piece of the life I had worked so hard for. For the first time in my life I couldnt keep up; I couldnt rebuild after the damage and, in what seemed like an instant, my masterpiece was gone.
I am now six days away from 30 and instead of pondering over what continent I will travel to next, I find myself, instead searching for the one thing I never thought I'd lose--my strength. Who would have thought that a simple little spider would show me where to find it. I realized today that I have spent the past eight years spinning a life so big that I have forgotton what actually holds it together. My Mom is most definitely a master web-spinner. She weaves her web strong enough to hold her own weight plus the weight of her children should they ever need it... And even when there's no silk left to spin, she still manages to find a way to welcome the weight of many others. I now know where to find the strength to rebuild and it starts in the core.
To Do list #2: Have my family over for dinner and begin my thirties focusing more on the people closest to me. Start over...from the inside out.
For example, this morning, as I was taking out the garbage, I noticed an enormous spider web that seemed to float in the empty space between my garage and my neighbor's. I saw this web a month ago, it's delicate, transparent fibers woven so neatly and with such precision that it formed a perfect circle atleast three feet in diameter. And now, it appears again with its tiny little artist sitting proudly in the middle of her masterpiece. She must have worked all night, perhaps harder than before, hoping that this time her web will withstand the next sudden gust of wind. As I stood there, it occured to me that this arachnid and I have a lot in common. In fact, all women might share common threads with the lives of spiders. Could it be? Are we all Spiders?
Take into account the many varieties of our 8-legged friends....There are House Spiders who scurry about, too busy to stop moving. -Web Spinners who spend so much time working on their web that they are rarely seen away from it. We see them in every color, size, shape and even a few wearing a wild combination of yellow and blue, yet seem to pull it off in public. There are those who mate for life, a few who would like to eat their male counterpart and lets not forget...The Black Widow-beautiful but full of poison and will bite you when you're not looking. However, aside from all their differences, every spider knows what it feels like to be stepped on, brushed aside, and Im sure they all think their butt is too big for their body.
Back in 2002, if one took a drive down Research Forest (then took a right on Gosling), they might find a spider wearing yoga pants and a pony tail determined to spin her web into the Taj Mahal. I was 22 years old, independent, driven and starting my own business. I dreamt of walking into a car dealership on my 30th birthday and proudly driving away in a black, Porsche 911 Twin Turbo (with cup holders). Now, let me set it straight-A Porsche is NOT worth the sacrifice of family, friends and social life, however, the ability to make that purchase by the age of 30 was. I wanted financial freedom; the freedom that could take me everywhere I wanted to go and I was willing to put in the hours and hard work for it. And... that's exactly what I did. I worked from 4:30 in the morning until 9:30 at night. The extent of my personal relationships never drifted far from an occasional movie with my husband or a walk with my great dane. I didnt have a favorite pair of jeans, a hobby I loved pursuing, or even a haircut. I gained 80 pounds over the next 6 years and just as the light at the end of this tunnel started to peak over the horizon, Im squashed by the foot of divorce; a running shoe, size 12.
Now, one might expect this gut-spilling blow-to-the-thorax to defeat me-but it didnt. In fact, I have always had the strength to rebuild, even after sudden gusts of wind blew holes in my tightly woven plan. In 2008, after putting the divorce behind me, I moved into a beautiful apartment on the waterway with Maximus at my side. All of my hard work was finally paying off and the success couldn't taste sweeter. I made new friends, bought new clothes, and even found a new hobby-Spin class. The financial freedom offered me more than I'd ever imagined but, most importantly, it gave me the chance to be ME again and for the next 4 months I was the happiest I had ever been.
Every delicate thread turned to steel and the very thought of anything being strong enough to blow it down seemed an impossibility. Then, in September, Hurricane Ike hit and brought along with it, a series of events that would prove me wrong. The Hurricane shut down The Woodlands for 2 weeks and some of my clients were forced to leave town. Being self-employed, my income for that month took a major blow. 2 weeks later, my beloved Maximus fell ill and after $6000 worth of treatment I woke one morning just in time to hold his head in my lap as he slipped away. I mourned the loss of my best friend for another two weeks and my life continued to spiral downward as only half of my clients returned to my schedule. The next months brought more surprises; identity theft, recession, a major doctor bill-each blow swiftly tearing down a piece of the life I had worked so hard for. For the first time in my life I couldnt keep up; I couldnt rebuild after the damage and, in what seemed like an instant, my masterpiece was gone.
I am now six days away from 30 and instead of pondering over what continent I will travel to next, I find myself, instead searching for the one thing I never thought I'd lose--my strength. Who would have thought that a simple little spider would show me where to find it. I realized today that I have spent the past eight years spinning a life so big that I have forgotton what actually holds it together. My Mom is most definitely a master web-spinner. She weaves her web strong enough to hold her own weight plus the weight of her children should they ever need it... And even when there's no silk left to spin, she still manages to find a way to welcome the weight of many others. I now know where to find the strength to rebuild and it starts in the core.
To Do list #2: Have my family over for dinner and begin my thirties focusing more on the people closest to me. Start over...from the inside out.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
17 days and counting
Well...here it goes. "It" being the first day of the rest of my life. According to my high school principal, this day began June 1st, 1998 but if it were possible to major in time-travel I would use my talent to go back to that graduation day, push through the mass of innocent faces wearing grown-up caps, charge the podium and yell "RE-DO!" into the microphone.
So, if I could actually master the Space and Time Continuim today, then what will be on my agenda for tomorrow?? And, just in case you accidentally googled into the wrong genre of blogs, "Naked and Approaching 30" does not mean that at this very moment Im typing while straddling my desk chair wearing nothing but pink socks. "Naked" is simply where I find myself after 29 years, 348 days of life-Vulnerable, starting over and stripped of all things I thought made me ME.
Now, dont get me wrong. I do not judge those who take off their clothes for money. Trust me, after going through Hurricane Kristin, I can definitly see the reason why some women do it. Who wouldnt want to wear sexy clothes, work great hours and make a few hundred smackers a night?? Although at age 30 I might be capable of sliding down that pole, Im now much more concerned with whether or not my insurance would cover a nose-dive into the stage. So, now what? The answer to my question lies somewhere between now and forever; and to it find means I have to rediscover myself even after believing that by this age Id have it all figured out. To those who can relate, you also know this reformation can take place at any time in our lives usually with very little notice. I have worked hard, loved hard and even found success that I thought would take me everywhere I wanted to go only to have one little year take me all the way back to the starting line.
Today, I have decided that enough is enough. I am ready to start my life again and perhaps this blog will not only chronicle my journey into the unknown, but also provide some sort of therapy. It is time to re-write my life-list; everything I truly want to see, learn, accomplish and start putting those into action.
Life-list- Item # 1: Write. Write as if no one is reading. Be brutally honest and emotionally attached to every word. Write because its always been something my heart has told me to do but I have never listened.
This is my journey and im starting it completely naked. Read it, be a part of it, or even start a quest of your own. I have learned the hard way that life is about choices. My laptop, my new best friend, will soon prompt me to make a choice- Restart or Shutdown. Tonight, I choose to Restart.
So, if I could actually master the Space and Time Continuim today, then what will be on my agenda for tomorrow?? And, just in case you accidentally googled into the wrong genre of blogs, "Naked and Approaching 30" does not mean that at this very moment Im typing while straddling my desk chair wearing nothing but pink socks. "Naked" is simply where I find myself after 29 years, 348 days of life-Vulnerable, starting over and stripped of all things I thought made me ME.
Now, dont get me wrong. I do not judge those who take off their clothes for money. Trust me, after going through Hurricane Kristin, I can definitly see the reason why some women do it. Who wouldnt want to wear sexy clothes, work great hours and make a few hundred smackers a night?? Although at age 30 I might be capable of sliding down that pole, Im now much more concerned with whether or not my insurance would cover a nose-dive into the stage. So, now what? The answer to my question lies somewhere between now and forever; and to it find means I have to rediscover myself even after believing that by this age Id have it all figured out. To those who can relate, you also know this reformation can take place at any time in our lives usually with very little notice. I have worked hard, loved hard and even found success that I thought would take me everywhere I wanted to go only to have one little year take me all the way back to the starting line.
Today, I have decided that enough is enough. I am ready to start my life again and perhaps this blog will not only chronicle my journey into the unknown, but also provide some sort of therapy. It is time to re-write my life-list; everything I truly want to see, learn, accomplish and start putting those into action.
Life-list- Item # 1: Write. Write as if no one is reading. Be brutally honest and emotionally attached to every word. Write because its always been something my heart has told me to do but I have never listened.
This is my journey and im starting it completely naked. Read it, be a part of it, or even start a quest of your own. I have learned the hard way that life is about choices. My laptop, my new best friend, will soon prompt me to make a choice- Restart or Shutdown. Tonight, I choose to Restart.
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